Stillness
by MegEvans1983
Summary: "He is begging me to stop; his lips are against my right ear pleading with me and asking me to take it easy and telling me that we'll find her."


**A/N: **Ready or not - here it is: my very first "Orphan Black" fan fiction :)

It picks up where the finale left off, and centers around how Paul helps Sarah deal with Kira being gone that first night.

Please leave a note for me in the box at the bottom of the page since this is my very first fanfiction of this pairing ... :)

* * *

All I can remember is running up the stairs at a speed I hadn't even know my body would be capable of moving in.

_Kira._

_Monkey._

_My little girl._

Is _gone_.

My throat is sore from all the screaming.

I'm beginning to remember Paul's thundering footsteps coming up the stairs, while I'm looking out Kira's bedroom window.

Then his arms are wrapped around mine from behind like steel bands. I'm wrestling against him, saying that I have to find _her_; my little girl. That she's no one's property, and that I'll die before I let _them_ take her from me.

He is begging me to stop; his lips are against my right ear pleading with me and asking me to take it easy and telling me that _we'll_ find her.

Who are _we_?

He finally manages to turn me around, and I'm limp in his arms, I can barely make out Paul's face in the midst of all my tears.

I'm a _mess._

He is calling my name like he's never called it before. His voice is soft like velvet; something I'm not used to hearing come out a man's mouth.

No man that's ever been interested in me, at least.

"Paul..," I whimper right before my legs give out beneath me, and he follows me down to the carpeted floor of my daughter's bedroom.

His hands cradle my head against his strong chest, a chest that I recently have become very familiar with. Paul tucks my head underneath his chin, while gathering me close in his arms, so my ear is on top of his heart listening to its staccato beats.

"Sarah..," he speaks against my hair. "I've got you, and we _will_ figure out a way to get Kira back, I promise you."

* * *

Now, hours later I am sitting on the couch in Felix' place where a mug of coffee has been placed in-between my two hands by my brother.

Their voices are small, but I can still make them out in my numbness over losing my daughter to the very people I swore to keep her safe from.

"I've never seen her like this before," Felix is telling Paul in the make-shift kitchen.

I can't see him, but I know that my lover is pulling his hands through his tousled hair by now before attempting an answer to my brother's question.

"Yeah..," he sighs because it's not like he even really knows that much about my life before I came tumbling into his – impersonating Beth.

"What do you mean _'yeah'_?" my dear brother mocks Paul – with no doubt – an arched brow.

"Just what I said," he retorts before I hear footsteps nearing me; on the couch. "Sarah..," he says softly, before sitting down next to me on the couch.

I can't even look at him; that's how confused and hurt I am.

Not that any of this is Paul's fault, but the past couple of weeks have been unbelievable, and aside from dealing with the whole clone-thing then Kira is now missing; my flesh and blood. This amazing man is sitting next to me now, rubbing my back and basically with his touch asking me to tell him what he can do to make things better.

The answer?

_Nothing._

"Hey, Felix?" Paul is now asking my brother, while rubbing small circles on my back with his hand.

"Yup," he replies.

"Do you have a shower in this place?" that question makes me snap out of my numbness and tilt my head up and to the side to look into Paul's eyes.

I don't say anything, but there's a clear question in my eyes.

"Of course there is." Felix all but grumbles and I just know that he's just rolled his eyes at Paul in exasperation.

"Come on," the man of the hour is now standing up next to the couch, holding his hand out to me; palm side up.

I shake my head at him before turning my eyes away from him to stare into the by-now cold liquid in the mug between my hands.

I hear footsteps walking away, but I know it's not Paul's because he's pulling the mug of cold coffee out of my hands, so it must be Felix.

He is undoubtedly heading into the very small bathroom to check to see if there's enough towels and so forth in there for me. Even he by now knows that if Paul sets his mind to something, there's nothing stopping him.

Next thing I know, he is squatting down in front of me with his hands on my denim-clad knees urging me with his eyes to allow him to take care of me.

"There's no shame in letting someone take care of _you_ for a change, Sarah," Paul says rubbing his hands up and down - from my knees and to my thighs.

A tear cascades down my cheek at his words, and I realize that for the first time in my adult life I actually _want_ someone to take care of _me_, _need_ it.

Paul uses the pad of his thumb to stop the sudden wetness on my skin to process any further, and that's all the incentive I need.

This time when he stands up again, and holds his hand out for me, I take it – without hesitation.

* * *

The water is hot against my skin; just the way I like it.

It amazes me that after only having known this man for a couple of weeks he already knows more about me than Vic ever did.

Paul is glued to my back; he'd scoffed at Felix when he'd gestured with a hand that I should have the privacy of my own shower.

His fingers are in my dark tresses, rubbing the shampoo in, while simultaneously massaging my skull. I moan my enjoyment out, which only makes Paul work more meticulously.

When he's satisfied with his work, he urges me to lean my head back as he rinses the shampoo out of my hair.

"There you go," Paul says gathering my hair in a make-shift ponytail before draining the water from it. "All done."

"Thank you," I whisper the first two words that have crossed my lips in what seems like eons.

He wraps his arms around my neck from behind, ghosting his cheek against the top of my head, while we just stand there in the torrent of the shower spray.

"I like feeling needed," is what comes out of Paul's mouth next. Not _'you're welcome'_ or _'anytime'_ but _that_. In the pit of my stomach I know that it's because Beth had never let him do something like _this_ for _her_.

She'd shut him out instead.

"Beth..?" I manage to get across my lips.

"Yeah..," he nods against my head. "We were far from a storybook romance, Sarah. She shut herself off from me, and despite what my job was then I _did_ care about her."

"_Did?_"

Paul turns me around in his arms, lacing his strong arms around my back – holding me in place. "Yes; _did_. Whatever we were is in the past, but even so – I never felt even a small part of what I feel for you – for her," he says pressing his forehead against mine.

"You really mean that don't you..?" I sigh against him pulling slightly back to look into those eyes of his that have a habit of keeping me mesmerized.

"I do."

The kiss is soft, and in no way demanding. His lips run across mine is slow reverence letting me melt into him like I've really never done before.

Paul pulls back from the kiss almost immediately, reaching behind me to turn the water off. "Come on," he nods his head in the direction of where the towels are hanging. "You're shivering."

I am, but not because of the shower.

* * *

After Paul has swathed me as well as himself up in two of Felix' bath towels, he leads me by the hand into the now semi-darkened apartment.

My eyes linger briefly on the couch where my brother is now snoring softly from and a soft smile ghosts across my lips upon realizing that he's given me and Paul his bed for the night. My love for Felix doesn't diminish when I also discover that he's changed the bedding as well.

Paul tucks me in; sitting on the edge of the bed letting his eyes gaze into my tired ones. He smiles softly down at me before walking to the other side of the bed and getting in.

* * *

Much later, in the pitch of darkness, I feel the need to hold onto something; _him_.

My hand is flat on the bed when I search for his hand, needing the warmth of his palm to enclose mine. "Paul?" I ask when my pinky touches his.

"Yeah..?" from the rustling nearby I know that he's just turned his head towards mine on the pillow.

"Tell me we're gonna be okay."

I feel his hand cover mine, as he turns it over making it easier for our fingers to entwine. Warmth engulfs my entire body and maybe even my soul when I feel Paul's hand squeezing mine tight.

"We're gonna be fine."


End file.
